Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Run mad as often as you chuse, but do not feint.

Ah, Jane Austen. If only I lived in your time. I would live in the English countryside, my time would be spent drinking tea and learning frivolous girly things. I could read books all day and take long beautiful walks to clear my head. My wit, intelligence and charm would then make me the object of a wealthy and dashing man's affection and after many obstacles we would marry and return to our beautiful estate. Sigh. Why oh why can't life really be like this? Okay, so women in Jane Austen's time also had to depend on men for everything, they couldn't inherit anything, and their future depended on making a good marriage--whether there was love involved or not, but still I prefer to imagine it as Jane wrote it and therefore I would like to reside in that time period--begining immediately.

Last night before I sat down to watch AI with my bestie her brother did an analysis of my handwriting--don't scoff, it was actually quite accurate. According to the analysis I was intelligent and creative (duh!), but I also put up imaginary walls and barriers and I tended to quit when the going go tough. I agreed with the analysis, and my bestie's brother reminded me that just because I had the tendency to put up walls and quit when things got tough did not mean that I would be that way forever. I could change it if I wanted to. Today, the theory was put to the test. I won't go in to the gory details, but I was planning on going to Europe next spring and something happened today (not life or death stuff) that put my trip on the back burner (again). I got really angry and bitter immediately. I started to talk my self out of my first gym appointment, I wanted to eat, I want to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke it--I wanted to wallow in my anger and whine about life's unfairness. I wanted to indulge my self pity and remind myself that it didn't matter how much I tried--I was never going to catch a break.

Then I had another thought--what if I didn't give in? What if I didn't skip the gym? What if I didn't decide to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke? What would happen if I didn't indulge my childish self pity for once? So I didn't. I didn't give in, I didn't skip my gym appointment, I didn't buy cigarettes and while I still feel the sting putting Europe on the backburner I am not indulging my self pity--instead I am going on with my life. Yes, I am bummed, but I am not defeated. Maybe I am being tested to see if I can resist the urge to give up and maybe if I pass the test Europe will work out after all. Maybe Europe won't work out for next spring, but maybe I am meant to go at a different time. Maybe I'm just supposed to learn what it means to be an adult and a lady and accept the circumstances gracefully. I will say this. I don't like it, but I accept it, and I believe that God has a plan for me, and I have faith that while I may get angry and bitter at certain points that it will all be worth it in the end. So there. I am trying to stay positive. Ha Ha self defeat...

I really hope that Lil goes on AI tonight. There are some songs you just don't mess with and "The Rose" is one of them. I feel bad that the judges always hammer her, but last night I kind of agreed with them. I also hate that only two of them talked--I think that Paula should only be allowed to talk every other turn or two so that we can always hear what the other three coherent members have to say :)

Boys Before Flowers ended a few weeks ago--I'm sad. I keep watching episodes of it. Maybe when I am at the Cherry Blossom festival this weekend they'll be there. It's like an Asian festival and they're Asian so you know, it could happen. Of course it's a Japanese festival and they're Korean, but it could happen--at least in my mind.

Ah well, dear readers, off to dinner the parentals. Lets hope its good.